When God Redirects Our Prayers

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4, NIV

The first time I laid eyes on him, we were sophomores in high school, living on the south side suburb of Des Moines, and my best friend at the time was dating him. That relationship lasted only a few weeks. Fast forward to fall, junior year of high school in Introduction to Chemistry and Physics class. We sat next to each other and passed notes. A few weeks later, I was hanging out with his friends and at his house and he was taking me to the mall and the movies. By our senior year, we were inseparable and went to our prom.

He was an enthusiastic extrovert who loved to bring people together and have fun. I was an introverted academic, concerned about good grades and a deep thinker. We couldn’t have been more different. Opposites do attract.

We graduated high school and I started my undergrad study in Cedar Falls, about a two-hour drive northeast of Des Moines and our relationship became long distance. Did we see a future together? Neither of us were seeking the Lord’s direction about our relationship. We didn’t have that kind of wisdom. We were comfortable with each other and thought it was love. We always looked forward to spending time together, but when we saw each other only two weekends a month, from September through May, I didn’t pick up on any of the red flags indicating his gradual descent into alcoholism and sex addiction.

We continued dating long distance during my college years because neither of us could bear the thought of being alone. I came to know the Lord while I was a sophomore through Campus Crusade for Christ. Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” nestled into my heart. My understanding of this was dim during my early 20s, and I wasn’t the devoted Jesus follower overnight, but it still comforted me.

I shared my conversion experience with him, hoping he would want the same. His lukewarm response troubled me, but he was inspired to return to regular church attendance – alone, without any other family members. The amount of time we were spending alone together bothered me. We were not sexually active but still pushing boundaries. I encouraged him to get a college degree himself, but he wasn’t the academic that I was. He was exceptional at feigning interest in the issues important to me. I was exceptional at ignoring his issues.

Despite our growing differences, roughly 10 years after we met, we got married. Our lives then crumbled. A year into our marriage, I was in despair and my Bible was collecting dust on the top shelf of a closet.

I was desperate for connection – to the Lord, to other believers, to K. A support system found me in a wonderful gospel-preaching church near my university and I poured out my heart to a small group of Godly women who suggested I go talk to the counseling pastor. Several of them had good experiences with this pastor as well. The pastor taught me how to pray and encouraged me to pray for K.

I was on my knees, begging God to reach K and change his heart. I begged K to go to counseling with me. He reluctantly agreed. He was breaking my heart, but I wanted to stay married for multiple reasons. The term betrayal trauma and support groups for wives with husbands in sexual addiction didn’t yet exist. After fervent prayer and scripture study, arguments over what it means to be a Christian and God and doctrine, K served me divorce papers. Our marriage of only five years was dead.

I believed Christians aren’t supposed to get divorced. I had never been more overwhelmed with shame and failure than I was at 31 years of age. It was clean, simple, quick and easy from a legal perspective. No children. No joint assets. No shared bank accounts. Just my heart and my faith shattered in a million pieces.

I wanted to stay married.

God said no.

I wanted K to believe that I was worth staying sexually sober for. I wanted to be part of K’s redemption story.

God said no.

I hoped for children and the white picket fence.

God said no, not in this season, not with this man.

I had to lay down all the desires of my heart before God and surrender, which was a grueling year-long process. Prayer didn’t change my circumstances the way I wanted them, but prayer changed me. God heard me and knew the desires of my heart, but I had to let Him work in me, such as teaching me how to be single and find my identity in Him, and not in a relationship. I was making an idol out of marriage. I wanted to be married more than I wanted God.

I had to surrender to His healing and learn how to delight in Him first. During my early 30s, it seemed as if all other women in my social circle were getting married and getting pregnant and I had to cry out to Him, asking “What am I missing here? Why not me?” I cried my eyes out. I was a mess.

Years later, I was able to recognize that painful season of isolation and loneliness as a blessing. Why? It was a short time of my life when a relationship was not distracting me from the Lord. I had hours to spend alone with Him, focus on a career and be financially independent. My life changed dramatically for the better in my mid-30s once I experienced some healing. A new relationship with a man unlike the relationship of my college years came into my life.

To delight in someone means to enjoy their presence. When you enjoy God’s presence, when you long for what He desires in your life, those desires become your desires. You desire what God wants. Your fleshly, selfish desires fall away. You no longer treat God like a cosmic vending machine, expecting him to divvy out whatever you think you want on your timetable. You learn that His ways are better. You can’t skip or fast-forward this awesome transformation.

God always hears your prayers and knows your pain. He counts every tear you cry and is close to your broken heart. He isn’t ignoring your urgent need. What feels like a “no,” is a re-directing of your path, leading and guiding you to better things. Ask Him daily for wisdom and what He is teaching you in this season and be prepared to obey. On the other side of obedience is your blessing.

You can read more from Leslie on Instagram @lesliejoybake and at lesliebake.substack.com.